From our very own Rainn stone: Surviving the Holidays as an Autistic Person With ARFID or Eating Disorders

The holidays have a way of arriving before my body feels ready. Before the lights, before the travel plans, before anyone pulls out a single recipe card — something in me whispers, oh… we’re doing this again. For autistic folks, especially those of us living with ARFID or other eating disorders, this season can feel like a sensory and relational minefield. A table full of expectations. A room full of smells we can’t escape. A family dynamic we’ve outgrown but still get pulled back into the moment we cross the threshold.

As an AuDHD therapist with ARFID myself, the holidays have always been a mix of “I love these people” and “I cannot survive this level of sensory input or social demand.” I’ve sat at holiday tables both as the kid who couldn’t eat anything without words for why and the adult who can articulate why — and both were hard in different ways.

Why Holidays Hit Autistic Bodies So Hard

1. Sensory Overload Doesn’t Take the Day Off

Holiday gatherings are sensory hurricanes: the fluorescent-bright dining rooms, the clatter of serving spoons, conflicting perfumes, crackling fireplaces, ten conversations at once, and the kitchen heat mixing with ice-cold air from the door that won’t stay shut. Then the food arrives, and it brings a whole new layer:
• overpowering smells
• textures that feel dangerous
• steam and spices that sting
• sweet scents sticking to your clothes
• the sound of chewing and scraping plate

2. Routines Collapse

Travel, sleeping somewhere new, disruptions in timing — all the scaffolding that usually keeps us regulated disappears. For many autistic people, routine is safety. When it breaks, appetite breaks too.

3. Family Expectations Feel Like Invisible Pressure on the Skin

Even the kindest families often hold unspoken demands around:
• how much you eat
• what you eat
• how long you stay at the table
• whether you try everything
• how social you are
• whether you act like your “old self”

And autistic bodies feel that pressure whether anyone says it aloud or not.

4. Shutdown, Masking, and Survival Patterns Resurface

Holiday spaces often activate older versions of us — the masked one, the compliant one, the version who ate “just enough” to keep the peace, the version who swallowed every sensory protest because pushing back wasn’t safe.

Eating disorders in autistic people often come from these early relational patterns — not vanity, not defiance, but survival. And the holidays stir those survival codes like sediment in the bottom of a glass.

When You’re Queer, Autistic, Unmasking… or Healing Your Relationship With Food

There’s another layer many of us carry into the holidays — the grief of changed, strained, or entirely lost family relationships.

Coming out as queer or trans shifts dynamics long before the first holiday invitation arrives. Unmasking as autistic shifts them again. Recovering from an eating disorder shifts them again.

You start making different choices. You name boundaries that used to be silent. You stop performing wellness and start pursuing actual safety. You no longer apologize for your sensory needs or your identity or your hunger cues.

And families sometimes don’t know what to do with the version of you that doesn’t bend the way you used to.

Some relatives treat recovery as rebellion.
Some treat queerness as a phase.
Some treat ED accommodations as “attention seeking.”
Some treat your autistic needs as negotiable.

And if you’ve lost relationships, or stepped back because the harm was too great, the holidays can make that absence louder. Suddenly the room feels too full and too empty. The people who are there don’t always feel safe. The people who should have been there aren’t.

Eating disorders recovery can deepen this tension because you’re no longer willing to override your body to maintain a relationship. And some families depended on the masked, silent version of you far more than they ever admitted.

All of this shapes how your nervous system meets the holiday table.

My Own ARFID Reality

I know what it’s like to bring safe foods to a gathering and feel the room shift. I know what it’s like to avoid a kitchen because the smell alone makes my stomach flip. I know the exhaustion of trying to explain ARFID in a way people take seriously. I know the grief of relationships that didn’t survive my queerness, my boundaries, or my healing.

ARFID isn’t stubbornness. It’s not immaturity. It’s a neurological, sensory, relational limit — shaped by experiences most people never see.

And if your ED flares during the holidays, if recovery feels shaky, if being queer or autistic makes the dinner table feel seven layers too vulnerable — you are not broken. You are not behind. You are not too much. You are a nervous system doing its best in a demanding environment.

Five Tips for Autistic Folks With ARFID/Eating Disorders During the Holidays

1. Bring Your Safe Foods Without Shame

You deserve to eat in a way that keeps your body regulated. Safe food is not a failure — it is a success strategy.

2. Use Sensory Tools

Mint gum, essential oil sticks, stepping outside, sitting farther from the kitchen, noise-canceling earbuds between courses — these aren’t dramatic. They’re adaptive.

3. Eat When and Where Your Body Allows

If the main meal doesn’t work for you, eat before. Eat after. Eat later in a quiet room. You don’t owe anyone synchronous eating. It is okay to nourish your body in whatever way makes the most sense.

If in early recovery especially, following your meal plan when it may be normalized to skip meals may be helpful. Remember, one day will not make or break your nutrition status.

4. Have a Plan and a Person Who Knows It

Not a full disclosure (unless you are comfy!) just someone who knows, “Hey, I am autistic and have an eating disorder. I might need support in these ways.” Let them be your backup if pressure increases internally or externally. Having a plan for coping ahead and what food might look like can reduce our panic in the moment.

5. Let the Goal Be Your Needs, Not Performance

A holiday is successful if you stay safe, stay connected to yourself, and don't abandon your needs to keep the peace. And, dysregulation can be a normal and natural part of the process too. It is okay to take breaks, leave when needed, and use accommodations!

It has never been about the plate. It’s always been about you deserving your needs met- every day- not just on a holiday.

If you’re looking for a therapist who understands ARFID, autism, queer identity, or eating disorder recovery from the inside, reach out. You deserve care that meets your nervous system where it is.