How to Have Better Conversations with Autistic People: It’s Not About “Fixing” Us
For decades, autism communication research has focused on what autistic people supposedly do “wrong” and how to train us to fit neurotypical conversation styles. That approach—rooted in the outdated medical model of disability—often ignores a huge part of the equation: the other person in the conversation.
A new study by Kate Silver and Sarah Parsons flips the script. Instead of asking autistic people to change who we are, it looks at what non-autistic conversation partners can do to make conversations more inclusive, supportive, and productive. Spoiler: It’s not about “teaching” us to mask—it’s about listening better, giving space, and respecting our ways of communicating.
Why This Matters
Autistic people often face situations where we:
Aren’t truly listened to
Feel pressured to give “stock answers”
Get misunderstood because the other person rushes, interrupts, or uses unclear words
This can lead to frustration, disconnection, and even harm to our mental health.
But here’s the hopeful news: when non-autistic people change their communication approach, it can unlock our ability to share our real thoughts and ideas.
Two Key Ideas: “Grease” vs. “Blocks”
The study uses a simple but brilliant metaphor:
Grease = Words and actions that help the conversation flow, giving the autistic person space to think and share.
Blocks = Things the other person says or does that shut down our thinking or make us disengage.
What “Grease” Looks Like
✅ Use cues – Remind us of the topic or context so we can focus our thoughts. Example: “Remember when we talked on Friday? Let’s revisit that conversation with Bea.”
✅ Give thinking time – Don’t rush to fill silence. Sometimes our best insights come after a pause.
✅ Check understanding of words – Make sure we’re on the same page with vocabulary, and use our preferred words.
✅ Equal power in conversation – Give us space for long turns when we need them, and avoid dominating the discussion.
✅ Confirm, don’t interpret – Repeat back what we said to show you heard it, but don’t twist it into your own meaning.
What “Blocks” Look Like
🚫 Interrupting or finishing sentences – This can derail our train of thought completely.
🚫 Jumping in with your own ideas – If you give us your solution right away, it may stop us from exploring our own.
🚫 Unclear or changing vocabulary – Switching between “boys,” “men,” “lads” without clarifying can cause confusion.
🚫 “Why” questions – These often feel pressuring and can cause us to shut down.
🚫 Multiple rapid-fire questions – This is overwhelming and makes it hard to think deeply.
The Shift We Need
Instead of expecting autistic people to adapt to neurotypical norms, this research places responsibility where it belongs—on the non-autistic communication partner to create an environment where autistic voices can be heard authentically.
It’s a shift from:
“How do we fix autistic communication?”
to
“How do we change our communication so autistic people can be themselves?”
Why It’s Neuroaffirming
This approach honors autistic communication styles, doesn’t force masking, and recognizes that the problem is often in the interaction, not in the autistic person. By building “interactional expertise,” non-autistic people can become better allies, colleagues, friends, and family members.
Bottom line: If you want richer, more meaningful conversations with autistic people—slow down, listen, check your words, and let us lead sometimes. You might be surprised by what we have to share when the conversation truly makes space for us.
💬 Contact us to explore therapy that honors your communication style, schedule an evaluation to better understand your neurodivergence, or if you’re an adult in California or Washington, join our monthly Late Diagnosed Autism/ADHD Therapy Support Group(self-diagnosis welcome) to connect authentically with other neurodivergent community members.
Sources:
Silver, K., & Parsons, S. (2025). Strategies for developing interactional expertise: how non-autistic communication partners enable or block the effective contributions to significant conversations by autistic people. Disability and Rehabilitation. https://doi.org/10.1080/09638288.2025.2527940
