When High-Control Meets Neurodivergence
GUEST POST: Some experiences don't fit neatly into a box. In today's guest post, Michelle F. Moseley, LCMHC, examines the impact of high-control environments on neurodivergent people, bringing compassion and nuance to a conversation that deserves more space.
High-control groups can offer a complex mix of comfort and distress for the neurodivergent person. The offer of clear expectations, routine schedules, and opportunities to engage in special interests can feel welcoming and soothing. The presence of intense pressure to perform or behave in certain ways can feel stifling and contribute to uneasiness.
I’m Michelle F. Moseley, a licensed mental health counselor in North Carolina. For the past decade, I have been working with folks coming out of high-control environments, and I specialize in supporting those who have experienced harm in high-control religious settings. I am also a late-identified Autistic woman and am passionate about exploring the ways that neurodivergence can intersect with high-control dynamics.
What is High-Control?
High-control groups include any group of people where those in leadership exert a great deal of influence over the lives of the group members. This influence can include limits on autonomy and decision-making options, as well as using manipulation or coercion to gain / maintain control.
High-control groups can include families, political groups, religious groups, wellness-based groups, or work environments. High-control religious groups include a shared belief system as the basis for the leadership structure, as well as for the treatment of members and non-members.
Impacts of High-Control on Neurodivergence
Neurodivergent is a term that describes anyone whose brain functions in a way that is different from what is considered “typical” in a particular social context. This includes mental health diagnoses such as anxiety, bipolar disorder, or OCD. This also includes neurodevelopmental conditions such as ADHD or Autism, as well as learning differences, and acquired conditions such as brain injuries or PTSD.
When a neurodivergent person finds themselves in a high-control environment, the impacts can be both immediate and long-term. What are some of the impacts of high-control environments on neurodivergent individuals?
Belonging
High-control groups don’t feel controlling at first. The initial interactions often leave folks feeling welcomed and excited about the possibilities within the group. When a person is new to a high-control group, they may be given direction on how the group operates and experience a sense of belonging within the group. Many neurodivergent individuals deal with feeling like they don’t fit in with others, so finding a group where they feel accepted and as though they belong can meet needs for connection and relationships.
Support
Another aspect of high-control groups that can be particularly appealing for neurodivergent folks is the promise of support, or even “solution.” Someone dealing with anxiety may be drawn to a group that promises to eliminate those anxious feelings through a specific nutritional supplement or prayer technique. An Autistic person who thrives with clear routines may feel especially supported in a group that has a clear agenda for their gatherings. Depending on how an individual views their neurodivergence - as a problem to be solved, as a moral failing, or as a unique part of themself - the offer of support for or options to “solve” their challenges can make a high-control group attractive.
Shame
Neurodivergent folks can experience shame when they are involved with high-control groups. Religious high-control groups often breed a sense of shame in anyone who may look, behave, or interact in ways that fall outside the group’s norms. Shame often includes being told that aspects of yourself are evil, sinful, or deserving of punishment. The interest-based nervous system of an ADHDer may be met with judgements of being lazy or not committed to the belief system. Someone with OCD-like tendencies may experience shame related to their ability to perform compulsions. Shame tells the neurodivergent person they are broken. In a high-control religious context, shame also tells them they are at fault and could “do better” if they believed strongly enough.
Exclusion
The demands and expectations within high-control groups increase as a person becomes more involved. Many neurodivergent individuals may not be able to meet these demands due to social capacity, sensory needs, or experiences of burnout. This can lead to being excluded from the group - no longer invited to participate, being reprimanded for leaving early or requesting an accommodation. This experience of being excluded is often the very thing the neurodivergent person was longing to avoid when they were initially drawn to the sense of belonging within the high-control group.
The intersection of high-control dynamics and neurodivergence can be quite complex. The same group may offer both welcome and purpose, as well as pressure and condemnation. It can be hard to untangle the experience of being a neurodivergent person involved with a high-control group!
Options for Moving Forward
How do you move forward when you have an experience with a high-control group? What if you are also navigating a growing understanding of your own neurodivergence?
Finding groups that are truly affirming of the neurodiversity of people can be helpful. Look for groups that also value other types of diversity - race, body size, ability, gender, sexuality, etc. Check out the structure of the group - is there a central leader or is responsibility shared? Pay attention to how those who are part of the group talk about others, both members and non-members. Notice the response if you ask for an accommodation to meet your neurotype’s needs. Remember that you have the autonomy to exit any group that is no longer a good fit for you.
Working with a neuro-affirming mental health professional who understands the relational complexities of high-control environments can also be helpful. For adults in NC, you can learn more about my services and complete a contact form for a free, virtual consultation to see if we might be a good fit for working together. You can also check out Neuron & Rose.
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About the Author: Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self.
You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
